(no subject)

[nausicaa83]

Now, besides the happy part when I came back home and found the new TRC scans, this has been a very lousy day. Two of my friends are getting married in a year, two tops. So we kept talking about the marriage, and their future lives, and so. I'd deserve an academy award for being able to keep my smile on while inside I was feeling so depressed. It's just that I see how my life could have been: I'm not talking of getting married, of course, but making dreams, project about my future, and being positive and optimistic. The fact of being the only one who lost her whole family is getting too much of a burden. I know it's a horrible, selfish thing to say, but I wish there were someone else in my situation (and who's not 70) to talk with. I mean, empathy isn't enough. Even if my friends keep telling me "I know how you feel, but you sure will feel better tomorrow", it doesn't help, actually it makes me feel worst. Because when I come back home, I find messages in my answering machine from doctors and lawyers, and I have no one to talk to about how my day was, and all those silly little things. I've never been the lonely one, I loved having a family, and waiting for my turn to use the bathroom, and fighting, and talking about everything. I just can't get over it, everyday it keeps getting sadder and sadder. Why can't I feel better? Why can't I get used to this life? I try so hard to be happy and optimistic, but it doesn't work.

25 days, and it'll be one year since mom's accident occured: the light outside, everyday, is exactly the way it was when I heard the car running her over. Yesterday I was in the balcony, and a car made that braking sound, and I completely froze. I could feel my heart beating like mad, I was completely overwhelmed by panic. I thought at least I had gone over that, but here I am again! I'm so weak... =_=

*sorry for the whining post*