nausicaa83: (<kingsman> in the mood)
For the first time ever, the other day my therapist was so tired she gave me the wrong day for our appointment, and I found out only when I got there. The worst part wasn't the useless trip, as it was a pleasant walk, and I even got a little bit of tan on my arms, but the fact that she feels so guilty about it she's just spent the last two days apologizing to me! Plus yesterday there was some kind of huge emergency at the clinic, and we had to cut our session super short. Today I'm finally getting my whole hour, yessss. And I'm also going to start using sunscreen: the first couple of days of summer heat it's when I get my healthy tan, for vitamin D purposes, and the rest of the summer I always wear sunscreen walking around Venice, otherwise I'd end up as a burnt burrito in no time at all. My dermatologist once told me I have the skin of a redheaded person, and have to act accordingly. Ever since I've started carrying sunscreen around, I've stopped getting awful burns. ^^

In fandom news, yesterday we had a wonderful announcement, as Matthew Vaughn confirmed he's working on the Kingsman sequel! The movie was a commercial success and all, so a sequel was to be expected, but it's so wonderful to have a confirmation! And we're going to meet Kingsman agents from across the pond too, I can't wait. :D

And they just released the third season of Orange Is The New Black on Netflix: watch how I say I'm going to savour it, without rushing it, and then binge watch it all in one night. I'm so predictable. And I still remember how mad I was at myself last year when I watched it all in two days and then complained I had to wait a whole year for new episodes! I never learn. ^^"

Only a few days left until the Square Enix conference at E3: there's going to be Kingdom Hearts news, and I'm so excited I'm doing a happy dance just thinking about it. *______*

And now lunch, therapy, and then I'm going to buy all the ingredients to make Gazpacho, and properly celebrate the summer. ^^
nausicaa83: (<otgw> wirt)
We're having horrible November weather here. The worst part is that apparently all tourists collectively forget ever having seen rain before as soon as they set foot in Venice, because they instantly don't know how to walk while holding an umbrella. Too foreign a concept. Is there a patron saint of patience? Because I think I scored so many points today from not hitting dumb people across the head with my cute little umbrella I'm pretty sure I'm gonna skip purgatory altogether, let me tell you.

Speaking of stressful situations, a few days ago the wonderful [livejournal.com profile] silviarambles pointed me in the direction of this amazing thing I had no idea existed, the Art Therapy Colouring Book. It arrived the other day, and I'm absolutely ecstatic about it!




It's a beautiful collection of black and white drawings and patterns to be coloured in as an anti-stress exercise. For all those situations where we need to take our mind off, as a relaxing hobby, or during phone conversations where one would usually doodle on the nearest piece of paper.


Here's my first completed page. That's two phone conversations, one lunch, and one dinner cooking. I hadn't done anything like this in twenty years, it was fantastic. I don't consider myself a very artsy person, so it was a great challenge as well. I brought it to my therapist today, and she loved it. *______*

The paper is very thick, and the colours don't bleed through. It's big, and there are a lot of pages: it'll take me months to finish it. I really can't recommend it enough. ^^
nausicaa83: (<lotr> that which is fairest)
I just realized today's Professor Tolkien's birthday. A lot of my friends on tumblr and twitter are celebrating by toasting to him, and I decided to join them. Trouble is, I only have prosecco in the house, leftover from NYE. It is the least Hobbitish drink I can imagine, thus I'm sitting here alone sipping from my glass while doing my best Thranduil impression. I am being silently judged by the cat. :D

Today I woke up with a bit of a cold. I'm glad it only affected my voice and nothing more, as on monday I'll have the first therapy session of 2015, after a two-week-long break. I have so many things to tell my therapist, I can't get sick now! I feel like I've done a lot of progress while I was away; as I thought, the change of scenery did wonders for my mind. But I still feel there's a lot of work left to do on the big anxiety crisis of last month. One step at a time. ^^

What else? Yesterday I watched the last Miranda episode, and I loved it to pieces. Even cried a bit. Today I did the laundry, mopped the floors, but didn't unpack yet, because my brain works in mysterious ways. It always takes me days to unpack after a trip. And my aunt just called me to tell me last night she was snoring so loud she woke herself up. I love my aunt dearly, but sleeping in the same room with her is something I always try to avoid. It always ends up with me spending the night wide awake staring at the ceiling. So we laughed a lot about this accident, and I maybe sort of convinced her to see a doctor about it. Crossing fingers here!

And now, it's time to read Thorin/Bilbo fluffy fix-it fics before going to bed. ♥
nausicaa83: (<dragon age> kaine)
I'm back! With the help of therapy, I'm finally feeling better. It's been one long, excruciating anxiety attack that lasted all of two weeks. I'm exhausted. But at least today I finally feel better, even if I still have a little problem with my right eye. Nothing serious whatsoever, quite common with short-sighted people, but it makes reading computer screens a little harder than usual. I'm squinting a lot lately. Other than that, I'm fine. Tomorrow I have a little medical check-up, and then another therapy session before my therapist leaves for a whole week of medical conventions. Glad my brain decided to start cooperating just in time.

In fandom news, the other day I bought my long-awaited copy of Dragon Age Inquisition. I played the first game a few weeks after it was released, and it was my first RPG ever. I fell head-over-heels in love with that game, and Thedas, and all the wonderful characters in it. I still get emotional when I hear the soundtrack. Even with all its little problems (the one dungeon still haunts my dreams), I loved Dragon Age 2 an awful lot too, and I've been replaying them both over the years. I read the books and the comics. I'm a teensy bit obsessed with this world! And so I was equal parts excited and worried about this new chapter. Now I'm 18 hours in (it's been kind of a monothematic weekend), and all my worries are gone. The open world is great, immersive and beautiful, but not as dispersive as Skyrim. One can still get lost doing quests and harvesting herbs, but the characters will remind you of the main quest and keep you updated. The characters are great, very different and all very interesting. I genuinely want to know more about them and enjoy asking them all sorts of questions. But if I ask Varric one more question about Hawke he'll probably set me on fire. :D

The War Council Table mechanics are obviously borrowed from Assassin's Creed Brotherhood, and that makes it super easy for me to exploit them. I think five of those gameplay hours are just me sending people on missions. Fly, my pretties, fly! \o/

And so far the story is very intriguing. Yes, I do still miss the epicness of the Blight, but it's not so heavily political as in the second game. I miss the Darkspawn, but there are demons enough. Not many dungeons so far (I only found two incredibly small ones by accident), but that's probably going to change in the future.

And now I won't touch it until tomorrow, because I've just been given the Choice, the one we have to face in every Dragon Age game, and that still makes me super uncomfortable: do I help the Mages or the Templars? I usually go for the Mages, but then I did a playthrough in DA2 where I only helped the Templars (to get the trophies), and I discovered some horrible things the Mages did that made me waver in my convictions. Still, it'll probably be the Mages again. I just don't like the idea of the Circle.

So here's me, almost definitely out of the woods, and being a huge geek as usual. I missed you guys. ^^
nausicaa83: (<kingdom hearts> thinking of you)
Sorry for the long break, but it's been kind of a long week, even if not that eventful. My therapist is having a series of family emergencies, so I haven't been to therapy for a month, and it's starting to show. I'm having this fits of feeling guilty for not reaching the crazy high standards I set for myself, and then I work myself into panic. Luckly Tati knows how to handle me when I get like that, and she talked me out of it. Still, I can't wait for the next session, whenever it may be.

Yesterday we went together to see The Wind Rises at the cinema that recently opened two minutes from my home. I'd already seen it twice through not so legal ways, but it was Tati's first time. She cried so much it looked like somebody had punched her, it was a tiny bit scary. Still, I was crying my fair share too. That movie is so, so beautiful, but god, it's heartbreaking.

Lately I've been doing some spring cleaning, to get my mind off some real life stuff concerning mom that's getting me really nervous. There's something truly cathartic about cleaning up, throwing old stuff away, making room on the shelves. It's exhausting but very rewarding.
nausicaa83: (<life on mars> team)
What a day! I'm exhausted. I had a very important meeting with my lawyer to discuss some papers that the current probate judge had finally read and signed, months after I submitted my request. Something very straightforward. As it happens, the judge wrote a couple of lines in a corner of the very official documents I had sent her, in pen, in loopy handwriting that took me a few minutes to decipher. This, instead of, you know, using a computer, or even a typewriter. And when I did decipher what she had written, it contradicted everything I had asked. To put it simply, I asked her to approve A. She wrote "I read and approve A. Do B." What the frickity frack. When my lawyer realized what was happening, he told me he'd have to talk to her in person and make sure she reads what she's signing, and that he'll call me when he does.

I can't believe I was nervous about this meeting. I've been mom's tutor for almost ten years, that's three probate judges, and they were all bloody incompetent. If I had been as slow and mindless as them when I was in uni, I would have never passed a single exam, and this is their bloody job. I'm not asking for the moon, I just wish they'd read what they're signing, and maybe use a computer while they're at it.

When I came back, I opened the door to the main staircase (I live on the first floor of a small condo), and I stopped dead on my tracks. A new cleaning lady came by when I was out, and she used chlorine to wash the stairs. Which for the past 17 years has been the most triggering thing ever for me. The smell hit my brain, I held my breath, closed my eyes, and waited for the inevitable attack. A few seconds passed, nothing happened, and I slowly realized I was feeling fine.

It turns out while I wasn't looking my brain grew out of one of the most incapacitating triggers I've ever had. I'm still very confused here. Can't wait to tell my therapist!
nausicaa83: (<avengers> till the end of the line)
Today I had a great, but very exhausting therapy session. My therapist has been trying to make me include my fandoms in our talks, so today, after beating around the bush for twenty minutes, this is what happened:

Me: "I've been really into Captain America 2 lately, and everyone in the fandom is writing about so many interesting topics, and since two of the main characters are war vets with PTSD, the other day I stumbled on a list of PTSD symptoms in soldiers, and I kinda think I had almost all of them in high school. But I wonder if it's just one those things when you read about a illness online and your brain tries to convince you you have it or..."
Therapist: "You definitely, definitely had it."
Me: "Oh."
Therapist: "How does knowing that make you feel?"
Me: "Sort of... relieved? That I wasn't insane?"

And then we talked a lot more about it, and we're going to talk about it again on friday. She did the Face, the don't-you-try-and-change-the-subject-next-this-is-important Face. And I'm not going to, because it made me feel weirdly better, like sort of validated. I wish I could go back in time and give kid!Nausicaa a pat on the back. So many things make a lot of sense now. Plus I feel like my therapist had been trying to break the news to me for some time, but she was just waiting for the right moment. What do you know, superheroes help in real life too!

And then I went to my favourite chocolaterie and bought three packets of biscuits, and the woman there gave me a huge piece of salted caramel chocolate for free. I probably looked a bit dumbfounded. There are a lot of episodes from my teenage years that now make a lot more sense.

By late afternoon I was free, and I practiced some more on my ukulele. I've started working on more difficult chords than the usual C, G and Am, so I've been practicing Up The Wolves and Sax Rohmer #1 by The Mountain Goats, which are the right amount of "how the fuck am I going to reach that spot with my pinky?!" without making me want to throw the instrument out of the window (read: every Simon & Garfunkel song ever). Then I did a bit of Stairway To Heaven, which is surprisingly (at least for me) really, really easy. I can even do the interlude!

So, chocolate, Led Zeppelin and huge personal epiphanies. Today had it all! ^^
nausicaa83: (<avengers> winter soldier)
So, lots of things happened in the last couple of days!

I had a great therapy session yesterday. So many topics, so much to talk about. Sadly next friday is a national holiday, and we won't be able to see each other until next tuesday, but we talked so much yesterday that the long wait won't bother me that much. My throat feels better, and I'm much more relaxed. Sakura is finally back home, and I feel much better having her around.

Today I saved someone's life. It sounds really weird to say that out loud, but that's what happened. I had just gotten out of the bus, and I was crossing this pretty narrow street from the bus stop to the supermarket. I saw a car arriving, way over the speed limit, and this woman next to me was looking in the other direction. She stepped right into the street when the car arrived, and just on instinct I stepped after her, grabbed her by the shoulders, and all but dragged her quickly back on the pavement. The car rushed by, so close it almost touched her. She thanked me a lot, and she was shaken up, so I walked with her for a bit, then doubled back and entered the store. That's when I stopped and realized that there was no way for the car to miss her if I hadn't been there. Maybe it wouldn't have killed her, but it was going really fast, it would have definitely seriously injured her. I'm really happy with myself right now. ^^

The weird thing is that I was crossing the street there because I wanted to make some toast. That's the reason. I got a craving for toast on the bus and decided to buy some cheese and ham before heading home. If I hadn't had that silly thought, she would have been hit by a speeding car. What the hell. Life is really, really weird. But the toast was amazing, it truly was toast worthy of a heroine. :D

I've finally learned two full songs on my ukulele, and working on a third. I can do both Space Oddity and American Pie, and I'm working on Rainbow Connection (next stop: AC/DC). It's super relaxing and so much fun. \o/

What else? I finally bought Bravely Default, because everyone was very enthusiastic about it, and because I love RPGs. I'm also reading way more Winter Soldier fanfics than it's probably healthy, because angsty pairings like Steve/Bucky are my jam. :D

I promise if I ever learn how to play You Shook Me All Night Long on my ukulele I'm definitely posting a video here!
nausicaa83: (<avengers> suitcase of memories)
So, remember how I said I had this cold I couldn't shake off, with a sore throat and all? Today I went to see an otolaryngologist, because after three weeks I was getting worried, and it turns out it's not an infection like I thought, it's just another goddamn kind of panic attack, just in tiny form. It has a scientific name and everything. He prescribed a lot of rest and some sedatives, but as soon as I walked out I called my therapist and she forbade me from taking any meds. Since tomorrow I'm leaving for Rome, four days in the capital with my aunt, uncle, and younger cousin, she said the only cure I need is a holiday, and a lot of therapy when I get back. Good, because I really don't like meds that make me drowsy. Bad, because I'm so pissed off at my damaged brain right now that I really want to break something.

So I came back, made myself a cup of scalding hot herbal tea and aggressively played American Pie on my ukulele until I felt better. As it turns out, one can aggressively play the ukulele. Who knew?

So yep, tomorrow I'm leaving for Rome, and I'll come back on sunday with lots of pictures! It's my first time there, so I'll just visit all the obvious tourist spots, make Gina Lollobrigida impressions to make my aunt laugh, and eat everything in sight. Sounds like a plan. ^^
nausicaa83: (<kingdom hearts> power of the keyblade)
Big news, everybody! Today I went to the local Oxford School Of English, a few minutes from St Marco's Square, and signed up for the Cambridge Proficiency Exam, next June. The lady there was really nice, we talked a lot, and I'm really, really excited. It'll be my first exam in 9 years, and that's quite terrifying, but it'll also be a great opportunity, and that's what makes it exciting.

I'm coming down from a pretty intense adrenaline high right now, you have no idea. :D I haven't told my therapist yet, because it was her idea in the first place, and I want to surprise her. A few weeks back she told me the next step in my healing process was finding a new hobby/activity/course, anything that was new, not hospital-related, and that would take some serious committing to. I mulled it over for a few days, and then decided on doing something related to my love for the English language, because everything you see here is all self-taught. I contacted the lovely [livejournal.com profile] space_oddity_75, and she suggested the CPE. I did a test on their website, and scored 24 out of 25. After throwing a Martin Crieff there and then ("So I got a question WRONG?!"), I checked the rest of the website and decided to do it.

Next time I see my therapist I'm going to bring the receipt with me and surprise her. I can't wait to see her face! *______*

In other news, my Survey Corps jacket from Shingeki no Kyojin arrived, and it's amazing:





While yes, I bought it because I'm working on a SnK cosplay, this jacket is such great quality I'm planning on wearing it as a normal jacket too. Plus the weather is so warm and nice, in less than a month it'll be perfect to wear outside. *________*

And now I should probably lie down for a bit, because happiness is great and all, but adrenaline is my nemesis and I have to leave the house again in two hours. I should probably learn to do some meditation.
nausicaa83: (<hobbit> butterflies)
I hope you're all having a great day. Me, I just got a text from my therapist telling me to come tomorrow morning for a session. I did some quick math, in the last two months we saw each other for a grand total of one hour and a half exactly. Unacceptable! First, I'll give her a big hug. Then, I'll talk at twice the normal speed, I have so many things to tell her, it's crazy.

And I come bearing pictures! A few pics I took at my aunt's with my new cellphone. I changed the settings of the camera when I came back, and I'm still learning how to use it, but it's quite useful to have a little camera all the time in my bag.


That's the only snow we got to see this christmas. It melted in under six hours, but I managed to snap this quick picture just before breakfast on my first day there.

Under the cut for festive sushi and trees! )

I still have to take pictures of my gifts, I'll ask Tati to help me with that. ^^
nausicaa83: (<the world's end> out of order)
First day of my period, I got a lot of cramps this time around, so I wore two layers of clothes and sat around wrapped in a blanket all day, much to Sakura's delight. Apparently the softer I feel the happier she is. I only managed half an hour worth of therapy the other day because my therapist was trapped in a hospital council that went on forever, but luckly we're meeting again tomorrow morning. I still have to share the good news, I've been sleeping like a baby these past few weeks, and haven't had a single nightmare in nearly a month, it's a personal record. *____* It has probably a lot to do with the fact that after the panic attack I cut off caffeine, but still, I'm going to take a bit of credit for that one. ;)

I just got another call from my cellphone provider who's trying to sell me their landline/internet deals. They opened up with a very smooth "we noticed you currently pay 70 euros bimonthly with your provider, and we'd like you to offer you the same deal, but for only 39 euros a month". I waited for the punch line, and then replied "so you want me to pay 80 euros instead of 70 for the same thing? do people fall for that?" and hung up the phone. What the hell. That's a very skeevy thing to do, trying to trick people like that.

In fandom news, I started watching Arrow again. I dropped it a year ago around episode 7, because I had lost interest, but while hurting from cramps and bleeding it's actually a good distraction. It's nice, still a bit boring, but I like it. I'm not sure I'll be able to follow it weekly without getting bored again, but I'll probably pick it up again next summer when the second season is over. ^^
nausicaa83: (<ashes to ashes> for her time iem iem)
Little celebrative entry, because today I'm finally going back to therapy, after a whole month. A month I had to skip because I was super infective and I have therapy in a hospital, and I didn't want to jump start the plague. But still, I missed it so much! Seriously, I was about to crawl out of my skin. I have so many things to tell her that one hour won't be enough, but at least it's a start. Yessssss.

Also, pictures! Because I'm in a mood for pictures. :D



This one was requested by the lovely [livejournal.com profile] nefertina86. It's a close-up of my collection of snow globes, bought at the Disney Store every year until they stopped the series. Sigh. My favourite is the last one, 2011, with Jack Skellington bringing gifts in his flying coffin. I bought it before a therapy session, and went straight there with my little bag. Thus traumatizing my therapist a lot when she saw it. I had to swear it had nothing to do with the coffin, everything to do with the movie. Her face was priceless. :D

And last week I also decided to do a Cornetto Trilogy marathon, and then started with Scott Pilgrim vs The World, thus making it a Edgar Wright marathon. Every night a different movie, this week I'll start on my Spaced boxset. It was AWESOME. They just keep getting better and better with every new viewing. ♥



Off to take a shower, then therapy! Yay! \o/
nausicaa83: (<elementary> joan)
First, Elementary is back, awesome as always. I realized while I was watching the episode that my heart felt all warm and happy. This show just makes me feel... happy. Simple and clean, in a way. ;) The character development is flawless, the nods to canon are fantastic, and the casting is pure genius. Rhys Ifans was absolutely amazing. I loved his storyline for many reasons (some of them are quite obvious), but mostly for how real his relationship with Sherlock felt. Layered and sometimes painful, like there were years behind it, not like it was something simply written and acted.

This show just makes me so happy. *_____*

Second, I had quite the intense therapy session, and I'm exhausted. Absolutely spent. And I've realized everytime I feel down, the first thought to pop in my head is "just hold on until therapy, then you'll feel better". This is such a huge step ahead, this complete trust. I've been feeling it for quite some time, but this is the first time I've truly taken it all in, grasped the meaning of it. So yay! \o/
nausicaa83: (<elementary> joan)
So, first day of my thirties was great. There were ups and downs, but mostly ups.

Most important, therapy. I brought my therapist muffins, and after two minutes she managed to get chocolate all over her scrubs. Sidenote here, we have our therapy sessions in the same hospital mom lives in, but on another floor, where my therapist works. It's the ward for terminally ill patients, and we have our sessions in the little waiting room for visitors and relatives. Anyway, my therapist went to the bathroom to clean off the chocolate, and while she was away, one of the charity workers (who always roam cancer wards here in Italy) walked in. She saw me sitting there with the rest of the muffins, and asked me why I was eating there. I had every right to, since that room is where visitors eat, read, or watch a bit of tv, but I thought I could just be nice and told her "I'm celebrating my birthday with Dr ***, the Psychologist". She looked at me with a horrified, disgusted expression, and asked me "You're celebrating your birthday HERE?".

And that's when the voice in my head, who sounds eerily like Simon Kane's, tried to talk me into saying something sarcastic to show her how insensitive her question was. But I'm a grown-up now, so I just faked a smile, and said "yep". She realized what she had done, and ran away. Literally ran away. That's when my therapist walked in, all soaked in water, trying to dry herself with paper towels. I told her what had happened, and she got FURIOUS. She's a very nice, kind person, sort of like a puppy, so when she gets angry she gets really, really scary. Like a puppy that suddenly grows claws and fangs. She asked me for a description of the volunteer, and told me she'll report her to her superiors, that it was unacceptable behaviour.

Now, I've been in and out of hospitals for fifteen years. Things like that happened to me more times than I can count. This particular one didn't really bother me, it was quite mild as accidents go. But of course, the important thing is, that in this occasion I chose to be there for my birthday, because I wanted to share that day with my therapist. But many other times, I had to celebrate my birthday in a hospital because I had no choice. And this woman didn't even stop and think about that. She looked at me like I was a repulsive, crazy person, because I had decided to celebrate an important date in a hospital, when the only reason why someone would decide to do that is because they have family there.

Again, not the first time, not the last time. But it sure feels great to be... protected for once. I always had to fight my own battles, and I was always alone in fighting stupidity, ignorance, insensitivity. But this time, someone is going to do something about it, and that horrible person will be punished for it. And I'm happy that at least it happened to me. I'm fine, I'm strong, I can take it. But there are a lot of dying, old people there, who really don't need that kind of shit.

Wow. I didn't mean it to be this long! But it's a topic that's obviously really important to me. ^^

In other, completely different news, I just watched the Sleepy Hollow pilot, and I loved it! Highly recommended! The main cast is mainly PoCs (yay!), the main character is a woman of colour (double yay), who's super awesome, and the other main character is an adorable British just-dropped-in-from-1781 cutie patootie. And they used 'Sympathy for the Devil' for the credits. And the plot is fascinating and the whole thing has that sort of 90s feeling that I appreciate a lot.

It's such a pleasant surprise because I'm not even a fan of the original story, As in, the Disney cartoon scarred me for life (I saw it when I was six or seven, and had nightmares for weeks), and I didn't even like the movie. So triple yay for a new series!
nausicaa83: (<person of interest> reese)
What a day. Last night I had another one of my sleepwalking episodes, and this time it was a pretty vicious one. I managed to knock down a lamp, the phone, and screamed for a few minutes before I finally woke up. I was so shaken I had to get up, pour myself a glass of juice, and spent the next two hours reading comics in bed while trying to calm my breathing. Then by 7 am I was woken up by a huge storm. The northern winds have arrived, and temperatures dropped 12 degrees in a few hours.

I was lucky to have a therapy session scheduled for this morning, and it was quite the eventful one. Among other things, my therapist told me to take some meds to facilitate my sleep. That's a lot better than my initial suggestion, to use a spoon to remove the damaged part of my brain.

Anyway, I came back feeling very tired, and I stopped at my favourite chocolaterie. I walked in and told the cashier "It's been a hard day", and she answered "then you've come to the right place, sweetheart". I bought two packets of cookies, some chocolate, and she gave me a couple of free chocolates to taste a new recipe they're working on. It was awesome.

I came out of the shop feeling a lot better, and I saw this on the other side of the road:



And the Welcome to Night Vale fan in me had to take a picture. :D It's not an "Italian Dining Experience And Grill And Bar", but I bet their portobello mushrooms are nice and bloody. ;)

And now I'll try and take a nap. But first, chocolate!
nausicaa83: (<the hour> cooking hour)
Today is an historical day in my healing process. Or we should call it Huge Step Ahead Day. Today is the day I finally made my mom's signature dish, her favourite recipe, my sister's and mine favourite dish when we were kids. Mom last made it a month before my sister's death, and we never mentioned it again after. I talked about it a few times with Tati and my therapist, but I never thought I'd feel strong enough to prepare it again, to reclaim the memory for myself. As it turns out, two years of therapy did the trick. Yesterday I bought the ingredients, and this morning, after getting an haircut, because that always makes me feel stronger, the magic happened.



The recipe was given thirty years ago to my mom by a Spanish friend of hers, who called it "Zuppa Spagnola" (italian for Spanish Soup). She was talking of the Gazpacho, but translated it for us, and we thought it was such a cute thought that we kept using the name. There are several recipes of the Gazpacho, some with bread, some without, some with alcohol in it. This is my mom's recipe, so I don't really consider it Gazpacho, it's more like something similar, but unique. You get the idea.



It's very easy to prepare, just takes a blender, really. I only had red bell peppers, but when possible my mom used a red one and a green one, so to give it a greenish hue.



Final result gets in the fridge for a day. I opened the fridge a few minutes ago and it smelled heavenly, of childhood and summer. First attempt: complete success, A+ for me.

I know I go on and on about little things like they're immense, but they're huge to me. I've lived with small and big traumas half my life, and had no idea that therapy could actually work. Small steps feel exactly like huge steps ahead do, they're all equally awesome and unexpected. ♥

(And my hair is now a lovely Night Vale purple, yay!)
nausicaa83: (<lotr> that which is fairest)
Quiet summer weekends are my favourite. Yesterday I couldn't sleep, mostly because of the fireworks right on top of my house (it was a Venetian religious holiday), so I decided to watch a couple of episodes of an anime I hadn't seen in ages, Ouran High School Host Club. It's a show that's very dear to my heart: back when it first aired it was shortly after mom's accident, and that weekly episode was literally the only thing that managed to make me laugh.

Watching it now, years of fandom experience, and fanfics, later, I realized I see it in a completely new light: as soon as Kyoya was introduced, my brain provided me with a "he's the Mycroft Holmes of the club", then the twins did their thing and my mind kept commenting "oh, that's for the Wincest fans!". And Tamaki's lonely prince routine is now obviously a nod to fans turning a villain into a poor, misunderstood soul who only needs a hug (Loki, anyone?).

In other words, I watched five episodes straight, laughing so hard I had to pause a few times to hide my face in a pillow, not to wake the neighbours. I went to sleep with tears in my eyes from all the laughing. Fanfics have completely changed my view of the world, and realizing that all the tropes were already there in that adorable show was such a wonderful surprise. It is just so clever and funny.

Today I decided to go even further back in time and started re-watching the Lord of the Rings Extended Editions. I even made petticoat tails to eat during the movie because they look like lembas. And then something unexpected happened. While during a re-watch of The Hobbit last week I cried almost constantly, The Fellowship of the Ring made me shed almost no tears. I thought the memories would have hurt a lot, but apparently my brain decided to override that reaction and went straight for pure awe at the movie. Seriously, I had forgotten just how good this movie is. It was a costant stream of squeeing, mouthing the lines, flailing arms and legs and the squealing some more.

The best part is that The Fellowship is the one I like less of the three, I can only imagine my reactions when I watch the next two movies. It's going to be great. ♥

Seriously, almost two years of therapy, and yet I'm still shocked when I manage to win over traumas and mental blocks. I never learn. :D
nausicaa83: (<star trek> hands)
This morning I had therapy. My therapist greeted me with a happy hug, sat down and asked me "what's new?". I braced myself, and answered "today's my sister's birthday". She freezed, got her pad out, two pens, checked that her phone was off, grabbed some candy from the desk and said "I'm ready". I couldn't help it and burst into laughter, and we had a fantastic session, with a few tears, and a lot of progress going. I love her expression when she points out the progress I've made, she always has this pinched look like she's trying very hard not to look smug or burst into a smile, it's really cute. :D

Towards the end of the session I told her about my Brilliant Day yesterday, and when I mentioned the movie her expression got very pensive, and I thought she was going for one of her hard questions, the ones where I have to think a lot before answering, and then she said "Star Trek? is that the one with the starships and the... pointy ears?". I must have had a baffled expression, because she went on "I think it was on tv years ago" "yeah, I was 11" "then I was 21, but I can't remember much, sorry..." "sorry?! Do you know what this means?? I get to tell you all about it! There are explorers, and they have starships, and they travel to meet new civilizations, and you should really take notes here, there'll be a test later".

I do love therapy. :D

Back home I was bit worse for wear. Not to mention it's the second day of my period, and a very cold day too, so I put on two layers of pajamas and hid under the blankets with Sakura, listening over and over again to Blitzen Trapper's Furr, my "hug in a cup" song. Just a few minutes ago the courier rang, with a package that wasn't due to arrive until next week. Sometimes the stars do align in magic ways, I guess.



The first time in fifteen years that gifts enter my house on this day. I could be so daring to call it 'progress'. ^^

Still, I am tired. And still bleeding. Cup of tea and a nap with the cat, definitely!
nausicaa83: (<avengers> bow and arrow)
I'm sitting in bed, listening to the rain and thunder, and I can't fall asleep at all. I usually have no trouble sleeping, but when it's raining. While growing up my bedroom windows opened on a canal, and when it rained on the water it made a very specific sound, and now, when it rains on asphalt, it sounds so wrong it's always hard to sleep.

Tomorrow I don't have to wake up early (yay, saturdays!), so it's not really a problem. And I have a long list of movies to watch, that helps. I just finished watching Ōkami Kodomo no Ame to Yuki, a stunning 2012 anime about a single mother raising her two kids who are part wolf, part human. God, I missed watching anime. These past few years I stopped watching new anime series (except for one), and I ended up only watching new Studio Ghibli movies. Satoshi Kon's death was quite the trauma as well. That goes for manga too, in four years I started only one new manga (Ao no Exorcist). But this one movie was so beautiful, in every detail, the plot, the animation, the soundtrack, it was like falling in love with the medium all over again. I feel so happy right now. Anime and manga were an essential part of me years ago, and I missed them so much. It's like coming home. ♥

Yesterday I watched The Cabin in The Woods too, and I absolutely, freaking loved it. Definitely my favourite horror movie now. It's really hard to talk about this movie without spoiling it (although you'll get what it's all about five minutes in), but just trust me, rent it/download it/whatever, just watch it if you like metanarrative because it's a masterpiece. *_______*

I also had a fantastic therapy session, where I actually started taking notes (to my therapist's great amusement), because we're talking about so much important stuff I'm afraid I'll forget something when I come home. I have a little notebook with a kitten on the cover that I use for my therapy notes now. :D

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