nausicaa83: (<sherlock> black and white)
Yesterday was a huge day. Tati and I went to the cinema to watch The Hobbit.

Now, obligatory premise about my family and Tolkien. While my sister and I grew up reading The Hobbit, I only bought The Lord of the Rings years later, as a gift to my sister, when she was already sick. Seeing that it was brain cancer, she couldn't read anymore, or talk, and I used to read a couple of chapters a day and then tell her what was happening, doing dramatic reinterpretations, miming the sword fights and making all the different voices. When she died we were halfway through the third book.

Then came the movies. With that in mind, my mom and I regarded the annual trip to the cinema as something to honor her memory, and the dvd boxsets and the soundtracks were our most prized possessions. It was something that still connected us to her.

That's why when they said they were going to make a Hobbit movie, my first reaction was "I'm never going to see it". I haven't watched the movies or touched the books since mom's accident. But then, I thought that maybe it could be a cathartic experience, a way to rediscover something that I once loved with all my heart and was now lost to me.

As soon as the opening titles appeared, with the first few notes of The Shire's theme, I started crying. I didn't stop until the end. Yes, it was incredibly painful, but it was also like a part of me that had been brutally cut off and left bleeding had finally started healing. And with Tati sitting next to me, and giving me a big hug at the end, yes, it was a cathartic experience. I woke up today humming In Dreams, and without even noticing, I took The Hobbit from the bookshelf and put it in my bag, to read on the bus.

Another huge thing that happened was that I managed to tell my aunt The News. She has been working late both yesterday and today, and I couldn't tell her by text, I had to hear her reaction. When my cousin told me she was working yesterday too, I did a brief calculation of when she would have been on the train back home (8 pm), and called her from the McDonald's parking lot, with Britney Spears singing Oops I Did It Again from the speakers behind me.

It was everything I had hoped and more. She was shocked, and then enthusiastic, and she blabbed, and we laughed and cried and it finally made it real. I know it's going to take me months to truly comprehend it, but yesterday's phonecall shouted in my cellphone because of the wind and the pop music blasted all around me, it finally grounded it in reality. *_____*

As I said, huge day.
nausicaa83: (<ashes to ashes> join the hunt)
My friends, I have wonderful, unexpected news. As some of you may remember, today I had my annual oncological check-up. The difference was, this year I went to another hospital, where my old oncologist now works. I had all my papers and sonographies and whatnot with me, ready to start a new journey in a new hospital.

As it turns out, it was my last oncogical check-up ever. My beloved doctor read all my exams, and told me I'm perfectly healthy, and I can safely close this chapter of my life. After 8 years since I first found that hateful lump in my left breast (it was christmas 2004), it is finally over.

How am I feeling? Excited, of course, but at the moment pretty much shocked. I knew this day would come, but I thought I had at least two more years in front of me, many more painful exams, and that I would have known it beforehand when the last one hit.

I called my therapist, and she suggested I should buy myself a gift to celebrate. We're thinking a bracelet, or a ring, because holy hell this is a milestone in my life, and I had no time to be prepared, I need to celebrate it properly! \o/
nausicaa83: (<disney> menestrello)
Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me your ears: this morning I talked with my oncologist, not only he's taking me back, but he told me to cancel the check-up next week at the Venice hospital and go to see him instead! I told him about all the exams I had to do and he was shocked, he told me they obviously have no idea what kind of cancer I had, that some of those exams are completely useless, and not to worry about anything. So next monday Tati and I are catching the bus to go see him, and we'll carry a backpack full of papers, and a new era shall begin!

Remember, I met him in 1998, when my dad was sick, and he's been like a family member to me all through those painful years, not to mention the small matter that he saved my life. I was devastated when he had to change hospitals, but thankfully now everything's back the way it's supposed to be. I'm so happy right now, I can't even put it into words. \o/

I already cancelled the check-up, now I only have to cancel the mammography, and then call my therapist to tell her the good news!

Also, this was my breakfast this morning:



It's been a great day and we're only halfway through it! *_____*
nausicaa83: (<007> Q 10)
What a week! I had some bad news about a friend, some good news regarding myself (got the results for the blood tests, they're perfect), a fruitful but very exhausting therapy session on wednesday, and a movie night yesterday that was very much deserved. Tati and I went to the cinema to watch Rise of the Guardians and we absolutely loved it. This has been such a great year for animation, what with Brave, Paranorman, and this one.

Here in Italy tomorrow is a holiday, and it's one my family usually reserved for decorating the christmas tree. That means, embarassing pictures of Sakura wearing festive bows and murderous expressions. I can't wait. :D

In the meanwhile, my first xmas gift arrived in the mail today, thanks to ebay proving very useful when Amazon failed:


I finally found it, the Wild & Wolf Scrabble Mug used by Q in Skyfall! And at a normal price for a mug too, as some prices elsewhere were absolutely crazy. Also pictured, an Earl Grey teabag, the last one left of the package I bought in London back in March. I had to literally tackle my aunt one morning to stop her from using it, because I needed it for this picture when the mug arrived. Obsessed? Who said I was obsessed?


It also says it's dishwasher and microwave safe, but I'm not going to risk it.

In other news, I finished reading Cold Days, and it was brilliant (not that that's a surprise), and for the first time ever I managed to see what was coming a couple of pages before Harry Dresden did. Go me. And now it's another year at least until the next one. *sobs hugging her new mug*
nausicaa83: (<ashes to ashes> and when she wakes up)
I'm back! Did my blood test, had a lovely conversation with the nurse there (they have the sweetest staff ever), and then my aunt and I came back home and ate a ridicolous amount of pizza. I think we earned it, not to mention my aunt skipped breakfast to keep me company because she's the best of the best. *______*

Have I mentioned how beautiful The Hour is? Because, oh my god, I can't get over the fact that that show is perfect in every way. I watched the latest episode yesterday before going to bed, and I spent the whole time trying very hard not to blink so that I wouldn't miss a single detail. I want to make sweet, sweet love to this show, and then cook it breakfast and write love poetry and spend the whole day dreaming of this show. :D

Now it's 18 days until the next medical exam, and it's also going to be the last one ever at the usual hospital, fifteen years, end of an era, etc etc. I'm so excited! I should plan something memorable for that day, but I know I'll end up celebrating at the Disney Store as usual. :D
nausicaa83: (<007> a bloody big ship)
Oh god, the new update page is active. I'm lost. And cursing in three different languages. What the hell, LJ, what the hell!!!

Anyway, I wanted to write a happy entry about the new Supernatural episode, and I won't let LJ get me down. This season is SO GREAT. Jeremy Carver is amazing, we get character development, a fascinating plot, an amazing monster of the week, and the comedy was on Changing Channels level, all wrapped up with a bow on top. I'm such a happy fan. *___________*

This morning I was talking with my aunt about the email I'm sending to my old oncologist, and suddenly I realized the next check-up will be the last one ever at that hospital. I've been going to that same oncological wing for 15 years, which is half the time I spent on this planet. Yes, I had an epiphany over tea and cake at the crack of dawn. ^^ It is an important moment in my life, though, the end of an era.

Time-stopping moments in my pajamas aside, everything's going fine. I still have to start on both Assassin's Creed games, because I'm playing Okami, again, in HD. It was already one of my favourite games, but now it's so much better. The colours! The fluid movements! The landscapes and the music, it feels just like the first time. God, I love this wonderful game. ♥

What the hell, I can't preview mood pics??! I hate you, LJ!!! And why did they have to change the icon selector? It's a mess!!
nausicaa83: (<supernatural> let's jam)
Woke up at 5 this morning, and did my second-to-last medical exam this year at the hospital. Lung x-rays, nothing there, as usual. The big news is my aunt, doctor and I talked a lot yesterday, and we decided to change my oncologist after the next check-up in December. It's been long coming, and I definitely had to do it. I already have contact numbers and everything, I just have to tell my therapist next.

It was weird coming back from the hospital at 8 am. Everyone else on that bus was starting their day, and I was sitting there thinking "thank god it's over, it's over, yes yes yes." I hate x-rays so much, because they remind me of radiotherapy. Hate them with a burning fury.

Anyway, let's move to more pleasant topics, this new season of Supernatural is awesome. After the sixth and seven season, which had great specific episodes (like Death's Door), but a boring main storyline, the return of Jeremy Carver set the story back where it belonged, and they're already starting to tie loose ends from the fifth season. I never stopped liking Supernatural, but this season I'm back to loving it with mad passion! So happy!

(It was also incredibly creepy because when I woke up this morning I had We Gotta Get Out Of This Place playing in my head, and then they used it in the opening of the episode, what are the chances? This is witchcraft!)

I have some news about Skyfall, they uploaded the opening credits, without the actual credits, here. I'm so excited about this, since those are among my favourite opening credits of all time, hands down.

Speaking of which, there's this great website that lets you take a fake but incredibly realistic MI6 exam to work as a handler for their agents. You have to guide your agent through six simulations, telling him/her how to get out of dangerous situation, enemy traps, terrorist lairs, and so on. So far I'm doing great, I'm halfway through the fourth one, and apparently I'm "ruthless but motivate". Good to know. :D
nausicaa83: (<007> together at skyfall)
Another medical check-up done, two more to go. Almost there! This one was pretty uneventful, as it turns out, I'm still fine. The only thing is, sitting there waiting for the nurse to call my name, I suddenly realized in a month it'll be eight years since my cancer first appeared, and that's a whole lot of time, and I've grown so very, very tired of hospitals. I know it's a thing I have to do, and I'm glad when the results always turn up fine, it's just a... generic fed-up feeling.

I had quite a scare an hour ago, I was in the hallway and turned the light switch on, and the lightbulb did an exploding sound, and all the lights in the house turned off. Luckly, a few years ago I had the electrical system of the house upgraded so that the lights feed on different wires than the appliances, so I still had the light from the computer in the other room, but it was already dark outside. I stumbled for the Tenth Doctor's sonic screwdriver sitting on top of my desk, and used it as a light source while I removed the lightbulb, found a new one my aunt had left in a cupboard, because she's awesome and thinks ahead, and put the new lightbulb on. All while balancing on a chair, with the sonic screwdriver between my teeth, and Sakura doing meowing worried sounds from a corner of the room.

Changing the subject abrubtly and completely, I might be a teensy bit obsessed with Skyfall. Or to phrase it a little differently, that wonderful movie has eaten my brain. Send help.
nausicaa83: (<avengers> r&r)
I got an announcement to make, thanks to the wonderful [livejournal.com profile] harriet_yuuko, on March 15th next year I'm going to a Mumford & Sons concert!!! Because she's awesome like that and checks the band's website for tour dates. It'll be in Florence, which is great because I've never been there, only drove through it once, and that's unacceptable, I know. :D

Weird anecdote of the day, I was in my friend's car going to the gym, and we were talking about Lucca. I was telling them about my cosplay, and all the while her niece was in the front seat, doing what I thought was checking messages on her phone. Not twenty seconds after I mentioned the word 'cosplay', she perks up and tells me:

Her: "You looked really good in it"
Me: "Thank- wait a minute, how could you know that?"
Her: "Isn't this you, in the miniskirt?"

And she shows me a picture of me with other cosplayers on her phone. Turns out she just had to write my name on her phone, and the internet gave her a picture in less than twenty seconds. A picture I didn't upload online, I have no idea where it came from, and it took her less time to find it than it took me to tell this story. This is witchcraft. Also very creepy.

By the way, we have a new lady in our gym group. She's very nice and everything, but she has a problem with rhythm. It's not like the other new girls, who stumble about for a while until they get it right. She moves in an entirely different rhythm from the song that's playing, as if she was listening to another song in her head. I have a feeling it's because she knows... mambo, or something similar, and just does that hoping it'll work. Which is incredibly weird, because she's standing right in front of me, with the teacher two steps further, and they move following entire different beats, and believe me, it gave me a headache. I'd rather die than tell her and risk embarassing her, so I'll have to move to another spot without her noticing. It's either that or doing cardio with my eyes closed, I haven't decided yet.

On the health topic, I skipped therapy today because I wanted to have another couple of days before going through all that "they found cysts in my liver" conversation again. I had it yesterday with my aunt, and it was brutal. She got scared out of her mind, and even talked about jumping on a train and rushing me to the ER to have it checked again. Thankfully, I managed to calm her down with the promise of talking about it throughly with my oncologist next month. Go for the breasts, stay for the liver.

I know that if the doctor didn't make a big deal out of it, it's not a big deal. But in my family it always started with a couple of cysts here or there, and ended in pain, so her reaction was to be expected. I'm taking a couple of days to clear my head and see if I can move my therapy session to sunday. ^^

Changing the topic, I started watching Arrow, and I really like it! Not a surprise, what with me being such a fan of Nolan's Batman. Yeah, new tv show that promises bucketloads of angst! I'll never learn. :D
nausicaa83: (<supernatural> torn apart)
It's that time of the year again, when I have to do a bunch of medical exams before my oncological check-up on December. Otherwise known as 'the time of the year when I'm constantly freaking out'. Today I had the first one, a liver ultrasonography. Since 2009 I have an angioma in my liver they have to keep an eye on, and it's sort of like a mole. A scary mole inside my freaking body that I can't check myself. Anyway, the doctor was an old friend of my therapist's, and he was listening to this song on his iPhone when I came in, which helped a lot with my nerves when I had to fight not to burst into a laughter. He did the exam, and found two cysts, and that scared the living hell outside of me, until he specified they're nothing to worry about, just to check them again in two years.

Now that I'm home, the adrenaline is starting to wear off, but holy hell was that scary. So now I'm starving, because I couldn't eat for twelve hours before the exam, and then I was still too nervous to eat. Even Sakura is looking positively edible now, yum yum.

In short, all's well that ends well, my body isn't trying to kill me again, it's a wonderful day and I'm probably going to spend the rest of it eating. :D
nausicaa83: (<supernatural> a little closer)
After three attempts, looks like the fourth time is the right one, because today I finally managed to get a December appointment for my annual mammogram. Hip hip hurrah. First they told me I had to go last January. Then before the summer, then during the summer. This morning, they finally accepted my papers. All the other medical exams I have to do before the oncological check-up are set for the second week of November, so now I don't have anything else to do but wait. And maybe start buying chocolate for that week.

The new Supernatural episode was GREAT. It reminded me a lot of the fifth season, what with all that American Gods vibe, plus Thor and the Frost Giants. God, I love this show. Mrs Tran is my new favourite character. ♥

(And we finally got The Hug! Be still my fangirl heart!)

Yep, it was a day worth of celebrations. I may do that by having *drumroll* breakfast for dinner! Yay! \o/
nausicaa83: (<supernatural> a little closer)
After three attempts, looks like the fourth time is the right one, because today I finally managed to get a December appointment for my annual mammogram. Hip hip hurrah. First they told me I had to go last January. Then before the summer, then during the summer. This morning, they finally accepted my papers. All the other medical exams I have to do before the oncological check-up are set for the second week of November, so now I don't have anything else to do but wait. And maybe start buying chocolate for that week.

The new Supernatural episode was GREAT. It reminded me a lot of the fifth season, what with all that American Gods vibe, plus Thor and the Frost Giants. God, I love this show. Mrs Tran is my new favourite character. ♥

(And we finally got The Hug! Be still my fangirl heart!)

Yep, it was a day worth of celebrations. I may do that by having *drumroll* breakfast for dinner! Yay! \o/
nausicaa83: (<disney> merida)
Who has two thumbs and an unhealthy addiction for the Disney Store?



Funniest thing is, I went there to buy the Merida doll, the one a bit taller than a Barbie, with the bow and quiver and the dark blue dress. Turns out, they're already out of stock and they'll be back in two weeks. Curse you, Venetian little girls with great taste in toys!

Also, my headstone will say "Here lies Nausicaa, strangled to death by her aunt because she bought yet another Disney mug". I couldn't help it, it's blue and it's pretty, and it has Merida on it! God, I'm so weak. :D

But seriously, I started going to the Disney Store back when I was doing radiotherapy. It was a daily, horrible experience, and the Disney Store is on the way to the hospital, so I would get out of the hospital everyday at 12.15, all aching and sad (my skin is very sensitive, and two weeks in I got radiation burns on my chest, and there were three more painful weeks to go), and then I would spend five minutes among princesses and colorful mugs and Donald Ducks and come out with a smile on my face. ^^

Today was, at last, the first day of Autumn, cold and rainy, and I wore a striped sweater, jeans, and a trenchcoat. Finally, my favourite season is here: pumpkins, hot chocolate, sweaters and cute jackets, Halloween and the Lucca Comics and Games! ♥
nausicaa83: (<disney> merida)
Who has two thumbs and an unhealthy addiction for the Disney Store?



Funniest thing is, I went there to buy the Merida doll, the one a bit taller than a Barbie, with the bow and quiver and the dark blue dress. Turns out, they're already out of stock and they'll be back in two weeks. Curse you, Venetian little girls with great taste in toys!

Also, my headstone will say "Here lies Nausicaa, strangled to death by her aunt because she bought yet another Disney mug". I couldn't help it, it's blue and it's pretty, and it has Merida on it! God, I'm so weak. :D

But seriously, I started going to the Disney Store back when I was doing radiotherapy. It was a daily, horrible experience, and the Disney Store is on the way to the hospital, so I would get out of the hospital everyday at 12.15, all aching and sad (my skin is very sensitive, and two weeks in I got radiation burns on my chest, and there were three more painful weeks to go), and then I would spend five minutes among princesses and colorful mugs and Donald Ducks and come out with a smile on my face. ^^

Today was, at last, the first day of Autumn, cold and rainy, and I wore a striped sweater, jeans, and a trenchcoat. Finally, my favourite season is here: pumpkins, hot chocolate, sweaters and cute jackets, Halloween and the Lucca Comics and Games! ♥
nausicaa83: (<life on mars> just got here)
What a tiring day. I walked all across town, to get to the hospital and get an appointment for my annual mammography. They told me to come in the summer, so August 1st? Sounded summer enough for me. Well, first they told me to come last December, then February, then in the summer. So I got there, and it's hot as hell and my feet are starting to hurt, but I'm there and I have tiny Sherlock and John hidden in my bag for moral support. And the woman at the desk tells me that no, now they have a new policy and I have to get there two months before my oncological check-up, and that would make it next October, and she looks at me as if I'm so dumb I'd mistake August for October. I tried to tell her it was their mistake, treating me like a ping pong ball, but she wouldn't listen. By that point I was already late for my therapy session, so I rushed back and got there just in time, all sweaty and in a bad mood.

About therapy, I got homework this time too, I have to buy colored pencils and do abstract pictures of my thoughts. My therapist noticed I use visual examples for everything, and told me to put those images on paper. That is going to be great fun, I've always loved to draw and paint, but my professor back in eight grade was an ass and told me over and over again I had no talent, so I dropped it then and there. I'm not saying I do have talent, but I loved drawing, so it's a lost passion I could get back.

And then I bought a sandwich at the hospital bar, and went back home. And the Paradox Series updated this morning, after a year and a half, so instead of taking a nap, have some tea and go out to buy colored pencils, I'll be reading that all afternoon. Priorities, priorities.
nausicaa83: (<life on mars> just got here)
What a tiring day. I walked all across town, to get to the hospital and get an appointment for my annual mammography. They told me to come in the summer, so August 1st? Sounded summer enough for me. Well, first they told me to come last December, then February, then in the summer. So I got there, and it's hot as hell and my feet are starting to hurt, but I'm there and I have tiny Sherlock and John hidden in my bag for moral support. And the woman at the desk tells me that no, now they have a new policy and I have to get there two months before my oncological check-up, and that would make it next October, and she looks at me as if I'm so dumb I'd mistake August for October. I tried to tell her it was their mistake, treating me like a ping pong ball, but she wouldn't listen. By that point I was already late for my therapy session, so I rushed back and got there just in time, all sweaty and in a bad mood.

About therapy, I got homework this time too, I have to buy colored pencils and do abstract pictures of my thoughts. My therapist noticed I use visual examples for everything, and told me to put those images on paper. That is going to be great fun, I've always loved to draw and paint, but my professor back in eight grade was an ass and told me over and over again I had no talent, so I dropped it then and there. I'm not saying I do have talent, but I loved drawing, so it's a lost passion I could get back.

And then I bought a sandwich at the hospital bar, and went back home. And the Paradox Series updated this morning, after a year and a half, so instead of taking a nap, have some tea and go out to buy colored pencils, I'll be reading that all afternoon. Priorities, priorities.
nausicaa83: (<ashes to ashes> real love)
It's that time of the year again, time for my most important annual entry. Today I had my oncological check-up, and I'm absolutely fine. It doesn't get any healthier than this.

*does a happy jiggity jiggity dance on the spot*

That's obviously great, but a lot of other things happened that completely drained me. I feel like somebody took all the bones from my body and stashed them somewhere I have no access to.

It's an oncology wing, so the waiting room is all, you know, people who had cancer. And most of them still have it. So it's not the happiest place on earth. But this morning there was a woman there and we started talking a bit, she had had breast cancer like me, and then another lady jumped in the conversation, and it turned out that her husband was dying in a room next to us, and then they both started crying, and suddenly I was hugging them both, and looking for a nurse, and when the nurse came she said something like "everybody has problems here, let's focus on the positive". Woman, you're not helping. There's no positive here, no bright side. Shut up and help me hug two persons at once, and that's it.

It turns out I'm still quite good at cheering people up (it's one of those things I'm *really* proud of when it comes to my personality), because we parted with hugs and smiles, but it was obviously quite tiring for me too.

Then it turned out that I didn't gain any weight like I was so sure of. I weigh the same I did five years ago, and even lost a bit of weight since last year. Even if the doctor says it's fine, I'm pissed off. I lost a lot of weight when I was sick (man, I was a skeleton), and since then I get very, very frightened when I think about losing any weight, and even if I eat a lot and have a healthy diet and everything my body is stuck on these numbers. Yes, it's all about me being too nervous about the subject, but I'm not that rational when it comes to weight and weighing scales and so on.

Then I came back home and a doctor called from the hospital about mom, and it was just about discussing her therapy, usual stuff, but it sounded like he was very confused, or reading from the wrong papers, or maybe high, I don't know, so it took me half an hour to learn something useful from the guy. It was like hitting my head on a brick wall.

In conclusion, it was one of those days when it feels like you're walking against the wind. Very tiring, but I managed to accomplish everything.

And now I'll just crawl to the couch and have a long cuddling session with my cat and forget about the rest of the world for a while. Over and out. ^^
nausicaa83: (<ashes to ashes> real love)
It's that time of the year again, time for my most important annual entry. Today I had my oncological check-up, and I'm absolutely fine. It doesn't get any healthier than this.

*does a happy jiggity jiggity dance on the spot*

That's obviously great, but a lot of other things happened that completely drained me. I feel like somebody took all the bones from my body and stashed them somewhere I have no access to.

It's an oncology wing, so the waiting room is all, you know, people who had cancer. And most of them still have it. So it's not the happiest place on earth. But this morning there was a woman there and we started talking a bit, she had had breast cancer like me, and then another lady jumped in the conversation, and it turned out that her husband was dying in a room next to us, and then they both started crying, and suddenly I was hugging them both, and looking for a nurse, and when the nurse came she said something like "everybody has problems here, let's focus on the positive". Woman, you're not helping. There's no positive here, no bright side. Shut up and help me hug two persons at once, and that's it.

It turns out I'm still quite good at cheering people up (it's one of those things I'm *really* proud of when it comes to my personality), because we parted with hugs and smiles, but it was obviously quite tiring for me too.

Then it turned out that I didn't gain any weight like I was so sure of. I weigh the same I did five years ago, and even lost a bit of weight since last year. Even if the doctor says it's fine, I'm pissed off. I lost a lot of weight when I was sick (man, I was a skeleton), and since then I get very, very frightened when I think about losing any weight, and even if I eat a lot and have a healthy diet and everything my body is stuck on these numbers. Yes, it's all about me being too nervous about the subject, but I'm not that rational when it comes to weight and weighing scales and so on.

Then I came back home and a doctor called from the hospital about mom, and it was just about discussing her therapy, usual stuff, but it sounded like he was very confused, or reading from the wrong papers, or maybe high, I don't know, so it took me half an hour to learn something useful from the guy. It was like hitting my head on a brick wall.

In conclusion, it was one of those days when it feels like you're walking against the wind. Very tiring, but I managed to accomplish everything.

And now I'll just crawl to the couch and have a long cuddling session with my cat and forget about the rest of the world for a while. Over and out. ^^
nausicaa83: (<ashes to ashes> real love)
It's that time of the year again, time for my most important annual entry. Today I had my oncological check-up, and I'm absolutely fine. It doesn't get any healthier than this.

*does a happy jiggity jiggity dance on the spot*

That's obviously great, but a lot of other things happened that completely drained me. I feel like somebody took all the bones from my body and stashed them somewhere I have no access to.

It's an oncology wing, so the waiting room is all, you know, people who had cancer. And most of them still have it. So it's not the happiest place on earth. But this morning there was a woman there and we started talking a bit, she had had breast cancer like me, and then another lady jumped in the conversation, and it turned out that her husband was dying in a room next to us, and then they both started crying, and suddenly I was hugging them both, and looking for a nurse, and when the nurse came she said something like "everybody has problems here, let's focus on the positive". Woman, you're not helping. There's no positive here, no bright side. Shut up and help me hug two persons at once, and that's it.

It turns out I'm still quite good at cheering people up (it's one of those things I'm *really* proud of when it comes to my personality), because we parted with hugs and smiles, but it was obviously quite tiring for me too.

Then it turned out that I didn't gain any weight like I was so sure of. I weigh the same I did five years ago, and even lost a bit of weight since last year. Even if the doctor says it's fine, I'm pissed off. I lost a lot of weight when I was sick (man, I was a skeleton), and since then I get very, very frightened when I think about losing any weight, and even if I eat a lot and have a healthy diet and everything my body is stuck on these numbers. Yes, it's all about me being too nervous about the subject, but I'm not that rational when it comes to weight and weighing scales and so on.

Then I came back home and a doctor called from the hospital about mom, and it was just about discussing her therapy, usual stuff, but it sounded like he was very confused, or reading from the wrong papers, or maybe high, I don't know, so it took me half an hour to learn something useful from the guy. It was like hitting my head on a brick wall.

In conclusion, it was one of those days when it feels like you're walking against the wind. Very tiring, but I managed to accomplish everything.

And now I'll just crawl to the couch and have a long cuddling session with my cat and forget about the rest of the world for a while. Over and out. ^^
nausicaa83: (<x-men> horizon)
Another one down, only one to go. Today I had my mammography, and everything's fine, again. Still, you never really get used to a doctor telling you you're fine, see you next year, thank you very much. It's always that new exciting experience, just like the first time.

So, on thursday I'll put all these papers and cds and slides and whatever in my bag, trot along to see my oncologist, she'll tell me what exams I need to do next year, and I'll be free!

Freeeeeeeee!

Ok, I'm usually pretty nervous and tired by the end of the annual stream of exams, but this year, I have no idea why, it was harder than usual. I had no reason to believe something was wrong, and I wasn't worrying more than usual, but I was just feeling so tired of it all. I just have to focus, three more days and it's over, and I'll get at least nine hospital-free months. Can't wait!

May 2017

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